If only I knew THEN what I know NOW...

The beginning…

For as long as I can remember, the thought of adopting a child has always been on my mind. After I had my first biological child, my husband and I really started discussing what adoption could look like for us. There were so many different routes with adopting, and we had no clue where to start. We began talking to other families and listening to their stories to see if any of them felt right! It wasn't until one day at a work meeting when a lady stood up to share the good news about adopting her child through foster care. I immediately went to ask more questions and to hear her full story. It was like right then and there, God had put her story in front of me so that I could move forward with our family's story.

We reached out to our county's DSS and began working with them through the process of fostering and to hopefully adopt. Of course in our mind, we only had one hopeful end goal of adopting. We were completely naive to the fact that really as foster parents, our end goal should be what's best for the child and that could be reunification with the biological parents. We were completely naive to the trauma that these children had been through and what that would look like as we foster children in our home. Through our classes, we learned so much but still had no clue as to what this journey would look like.

After being licensed, we hopefully waited for the call to foster. We waited and waited for what felt like an eternity. It was actually only 1 month, but it was so hard to wait. Then, we finally got the call. It was a call for a 1-year-old boy who was legally free. This means that his biological parent’s rights were already terminated, and he was ready to be adopted. We immediately thought this was going to be our child and were already picturing him in our home. However, with all the prayers, hope and tears, it didn't work out. See, children who are legally free have more families who are willing to take them in because there is no worry of them being taken away. You are not actually fostering, rather you are adopting. Then, with him being only 1, people were even more willing to take him in. So needless to say, this lucky little boy had several families who were willing to adopt him, and we were not the family God had in mind for him. I was crushed and cried in bed thinking we would never get a placement.

A few weeks later, we got a call to be a respite family for a 3-year-old girl. Respite is temporary care for a child when their foster parents need a break, go on vacation, etc. While this was not really what we had in mind for our first placement, we were willing to try it out since our biological daughter was 3, and if we knew anything, we knew 3-year-old girls! We went and picked her up from daycare and brought her home for the week. We took her to gymnastics, to the park, church, all sorts of places, and it was the best week. She was so happy and so were we. We knew deep down that we would probably never see her again, but we were hopeful that she would have the best life and find a happy home.

One month later, we got a call asking if we could be her full-time foster family. Of course we said yes, because we had already fallen in love with her and her story. She was in desperate need of a stable living environment, as she had already been shuffled around to 3 different foster homes in 6 months. I felt like the system was failing her and was determined to give her the best family! The next year was extremely hard! I was unexpectedly pregnant, we were trying to balance my hormones, appointments, full-time work, and therapy appointments. We were trying to work through behaviors that had formed because of all the trauma and abuse. We were being kicked out of daycares left and right because these facilities had no training in trauma-informed care and her behaviors were too much for them. We were advocating every day for what was best for her, while also trying to parent two 3-year-olds. I was a mess! I honestly don't know how I made it through! The hardest part was that I felt like I didn't have a solid connection with our foster child and that killed me! I felt like the worst human because I couldn't bond with her like I could with my other daughter. Still saying that to this day is hard. But between her hard behaviors and having unrealistic, naive expectations of what foster care looked like, I was falling apart. We were blessed with the best social worker and to this day, none of us could have made it without her. She explained to me that it was going to take time and that I shouldn't be hard on myself for not having an instant connection. Between hormones from being pregnant and everything going on, it was not unheard of to feel this way. I loved her and clearly wanted what was best for her, like my other kids, I just had to accept that the rest would come.

6 years later….

Adoption was finalized a few years ago and she has grown tremendously. She has worked through a lot of the hard behaviors that she had and is such a bright star at school today. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know and is constantly wanting to do her best. Her teacher just wrote me a note saying she is a role model in class and is a great friend to those around her. She was recently baptized and is determined to show God's love every day. She has come such a long way, and so have we with our relationship. We built a beautiful bond (with time) and it's like we have had her since birth. I honestly sometimes forget about all of those hard times because everything just feels right, now. I have a better grip on trauma and how to parent her. We still have things to work through and new discoveries around her adoption that arise. Recently she has asked a lot about her birth parents. “What's their name? Why can I not see them? Where are they?” I used to give a simple answer, that they are sick, but now it is so much deeper, and I want her to know more about them. My perspective has changed on what I want for her parents, too. I would love nothing more than for her birth parents to get better and be able to meet her one day. They are missing out on such a beautiful daughter, and I want them to know she is doing great! I would have never thought that I would want this when we first started this process, but now, through her eyes and hopes, I want more, too. However, we are not there yet, and I'm not sure if that dream will ever be a reality. So for now, we will pray that they get better. We will pray that all of these birth parents of foster children will get better for their kids, and foster care will begin to look different!